Neighbor Grover sez women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.
Hadn’t heard from our Utah connection, Don Lansberry, for a while so was tickled to see his moniker show up in my e-mail. Don is the papa of Leah Thomason of our town and relays some funny stuff from time to time.
Title of this epistle from Don is “Men are just happier people.” Anyway, sorry ladies:
• Nicknames—If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-Eyes.
• Eating out—When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the total is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
• Money—A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
• Bathrooms—A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. Of these, a man couldn’t identify 20.
• Arguments—A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Future—A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• Success—A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• Marriage—A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
• Dressing up—A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
• Natural—Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• Offspring—Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
• Memory—A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing forever.
—bc—
And along the same train of thought, The Reporter’s all-around-fix-anything guy Cliff Dungan provided me with the following (which should keep him sleeping in the dog house for a minimum of two weeks):
• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90 percent. It’s called wedding cake.
• If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll be quiet as soon as he’s inside.
• If your wife’s watch quits working, do you replace it? No, there’s a clock on the oven.
• Why do men have more flatulence than women? It’s a matter of pressure buildup. Men generally have their mouths closed most of the time.
• Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open when she brings it to you.
• Why do men die before their wives? Will power.
Move over, Cliff, there’s room for two in that dog house.
