EDITOR’S CORNER
One of those eyes-closed, “thank you” moments for any columnist comes when you realize something you’ve just read is perfect to stea—uh, appropriate—for a column.
So when Rev. Marlon Sparks sent me his book “Hey Ref, You Stink,” and I got a couple of chapters into it, I knew what was going to happen.
Marlon is the son of the late Rev. Billy Sparks and Patsy Sparks. Billy Sparks was a longtime pastor and law enforcement officer. He was once pastor of Gause Full Gospel Church.
Marlon followed in his father’s footsteps. He also did something else. A chance encounter while helping kids turned into a 35-year career as an official—basketball, football and baseball.
That’s what his book is about. It’s a great read. I read it all the way through when I should have been working one morning. I’ve shared it with some others who have taken their turn officiating over the years and they’ve appreciated it, too.
Everybody loved the chapter where Marlon listed some of the—one assumes more printable—comments he heard from the stands, bleachers and sidelines over those 35 years.
Here are a few, with a couple of comments by yours truly:
• “Is your rule book written in Braille?”
• “How can you sleep with all these lights on?”
• “You need to go to confession after that call.”
• “How about some Windex for that glass eye.”
• “I’ve seen better Blues in a box of crayons.” (For the non-baseball fan, umpires are frequently referred to as “Blue,” sometimes by fans who struggle with words of more than one syllable).
• “We know you’re blind. We’ve seen your wife.” (Talk about stopping preaching and gone to meddling).
• “Why do you keep looking at your left hand, Blue, is there a map of the strike zone in it?”
• “It’s okay; I was confused the first time I saw a game, too.”
• “Another call like that and I’m gonna break your cane and shoot your seeing-eye dog.”
• “I thought only horses slept standing up.”
• “Which one of you (officials) is the designated driver?”
• “Hey Blue, were you the lookout on the Titanic?”
• “Don’t donate your eyes to science. They don’t want ‘em.”
• “Do you get any better or is this it?” (The late, great Earl Weaver was once ejected from a game for saying exactly the same thing).
• “Punch a hole in that mask. You’re missing a great game.”
• “Now I understand why you and the coach of the other team look so much alike.”
• “Turn the plate over Blue, the directions are on the other side.”
• “Lenscrafter called. They’ll be ready in 30 minutes.”
• Chant from stands:” TSO, TSO, TSO” for Texas State Optical.
• “Ref can you give me a technical foul for what I’m thinking?”
• “Hey, he got one (right)!”
Enjoyable, but there’s another side of the coin, abuse and a downright frightening encounter with an out-of-control fan.
This one happened during and after a basketball game where a group of fans(?) in cars actually went looking for the officials, blaming them for an injury that had occurred.
How do referees cause injuries? The overheated fan would have said by not calling more fouls and contributing to a physical game getting out of hand.
Of course then we would have witnessed the refrain we’ve all heard: “Let ‘em play ref, let ‘em play.”
You just can’t win.
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