(Repeating a column from publisher emeritus Bill Cooke from June 2017.)
The following prose from classified ads have, it sez here, appeared in newspapers hither and yon. Of course, this collection does not include any such bungling by The Reporter staff. We’re perfect. Just ask us.
• Auto repair service: Free pickup and delivery. Try us once and you will never drive anywhere again.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let our staff do it.
• Our day care center will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
• Dog for sale: Eats anything and very fond of children.
• Man wanted to work in explosive factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Big sale! Stock up and save. Limit one.
• Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
• 3- year-old te acher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-offhead illusion. Salary and medical insurance.
• For sale, antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For sale: Three canaries of undetermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster in good condition, a gift every member of family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Any type of work wanted by honest man. Will take anything.
• Used cars: Why go anywhere to be cheated? Come here first.
• Christmas sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-tofind person.
• Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Wa nt e d: Widower with school age children required person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• And now the Supers tore—unequaled in size,unmatched in variet y,unr ivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
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