FALLING FAR FROM THE TREE
ASunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.” —kwc— Dear Heavenly Father, So far, today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped or lost my temper. I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self-centered. I’m really happy about that so far. But in a few minutes, I’m going to be getting out of bed and then I’m going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen. —kwc— This year for our pastor’s birthday, the congregation decided to give him a new suit.
He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, “Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit.” —kwc— There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets.” —kwc— An impoverished old man applied for membership in a wealthy church. The pastor tried to put him off with all kinds of evasive remarks. The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. After several days he returned. “Well,” asked the pastor, “Did the Lord give you a message?” “Yes Sir, He did” was the old man’s answer. “He told me it wasn’t any use. He said, “I’ve been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years and they won’t let me in either.” —kwc— A Rabbi went to the local barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to pay the barber and the barber said, “No Rabbi, I don’t charge the clergy for haircuts.” So the next morning the barber found a loaf of Jewish rye bread outside of his door step.
A couple of days passed, and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, “No Father, I don’t charge the clergy for haircuts.” So the next morning he found a bottle of wine outside his front door step.
Several days later a Baptist minister came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, “No Reverend, I don’t charge the clergy for their hair cuts.” So the next morning, the barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready for a haircut! —kwc— A collector of rare books ran into an old friend who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.
“Yes, that was it!” “Do you know what you have done? You’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!”
“Oh, I don’t think this book would have been worth anywhere close to that,” replied his friend. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.” —kwc— Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. Then came the very last creature and he named it “frog”. He spoke to the frog in his loneliness and asked it if it had any ideas as to how he could not be so lonely. To Adam’s surprise, the frog opened it’s mouth and replied, “Rib-It!”, then the rest was history... —kwc— Do you know what an agnostic dyslexic insomniac does?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!
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