• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
• Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than being in a garage makes you a car.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
• I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• Alcohol. Because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.
• I don’t need a new hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
• Don’t worry if Plan A fails. There are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
• Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done.
• I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
• Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
• My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.
• Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
• Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
• The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.
• I’m jealous of my parents; I’ll never have a kid as cool as they did.
• Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else.
• A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back,
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• The road to success is always under construction. (I think many Rockdalians will agree with this one.)
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
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