SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
Frank David, before he left us way too early because of cancer, passed this along to his wife Patsy to give to my wife Peggy to give to me. It’s a column from Dec. 8, 2006 written by the Austin American Statesman’s John Kelso who also left us way too early because of cancer.
Frank, like tons of us, appreciated John’s humor. Enjoy Mr. Kelso’s words that follow:
Here’s proof the terrorists have won. An American Airlines flight made an emergency landing Monday after a female passenger lit a match to cover up the smell after she, so to speak, let one go.
It’s a different world after 9-11. I never thought I’d see the day when a commercial jet would be brought down by a, uh, barking frog. I’ve heard some wacky definitions of weapons of mass destruction, but this takes the cake. I doubt even Dick Cheney would try to claim that tooting qualifies.
When passengers reported the smell of burning sulfur from the match, the Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville, TN. Apparently, Federal Aviation Administration officials figure Nashville folks are more accustomed to dealing with this sort of problem that those snoots up in Dallas.
Wow, what a promotional windfall (pun intended) for Nashville. Used to be, when you thought of Nashville it was just country music. Now Nashville becomes the first city to have a plane land because of a poot incident.
Some will say that lighting that match shows that the woman was considerate of her fellow passengers. But I figure it just proves she’s not from Oklahoma. On the other hand that’s not the sort of aroma-therapy the airlines want drifting over into first class.
It leads to an interesting question. Will airport security start pulling the passengers’ fingers to defuse them before they get on the plane?
There are a couple of things the woman could have done to solve the problem without lighting the match. Blame the dog. “It wasn’t me, it was Harry” is an excuse that works occasionally for me. The woman should have brought a pocket Chihuahua in her purse and sneaked it onto the plane. That way, when the passengers started whining she could have said, “Don’t look at me. It was Pookie.”
You’re probably wondering what the rules are regarding lighting a match to cover up the smell of a misplaced bean bomb on a commercial jet. I called Jim Halbrook, spokesman for Austin-Bergstrom International Airport.
I suspect this was the first time Halbrook has been called to answer a question about this type of gas emission.
“Books of safety matches are permitted as a carry-on item,” said Halbrook who got his info by contacting corporate airlines, including American. “Strike-anywhere matches are not permitted, but up to four books of safety matches are permitted.”
He added that lighting a match on a plane is not specifically prohibited, “but it is not advised.”
No kidding, if you’re really worried about the passengers, just walk to the back of the plane and share it with the flight attendants. They’ve got to be used to it by now, right? I’m sure it’s covered in their training manuals. Just go back there and tell them you have an unusual cell phone ring you want them to hear.
Then again, in the interest of safety, maybe Bergstrom ought to close that Matt’s El Rancho booth in the terminal.
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