Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
When nothing is going right, go left.
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you after all.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. I had an extremely busy
I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
When one door closes and another opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9 p.m. is the new midnight.
It’s the start of a brand new day and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
I remember being able to get up without making any sound effects. Good times.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
When you ask me what I’m doing today and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I’m free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking in my shoes because that would be boring. Spend some time in my head. That will really freak you out.
Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere and makes your heart race and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who’s just won a comb.
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don't think I'm dead.
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this charm, wit and personality.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
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