A married man should forget his mistakes

(Here are a couple of good yarns from editor emeritus Bill Cooke from 2008)

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey but the next day he drove up and said, “Sorry, Chuck, but I have bad news, the donkey died.” Chuck replied, “Well, give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Chuck said, “Okay, just bring me the dead donkey. I’ll raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later, the farmer met Chuck and asked him about the donkey. Chuck said, “I raffled him

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Chuck now works for the government. —bc—

Title of this epistle from Don is “Men are just happier people.” Anyway, sorry ladies:

• Nicknames—If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-Eyes.

• Eating out—When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though the total is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

• Money—A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

• Bathrooms—A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. Of these, a man couldn’t identify 20.

• Arguments—A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

• Future—A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

• Success—A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• Marriage—A woman marries a man expecting that he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

• Dressing up—A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

• Natural—Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

• Offspring—Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

• Memory—A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing forever.