EDITOR’S CORNER
Back in the dim dark ages past there used to be something called “etiquette.”
It was basically a code of behavior, prescribed ways you’re supposed to behave. Manners.
Oops, used another mystifying word there. I don’t think I’ve heard the word “manners” used in a sentence since my freshman English teacher—the late and wonderful Valma Fischer—suggested I didn’t have any over a little battery throwing incident during our class discussion of Macbeth in 1964.
(Admission. I was guilty, but if I’d been a more accurate battery thrower she would never have caught me.)
There have been many books about etiquette, but not too many updates that reflect how you are supposed to act in, oh, the following situations:
• You are in the post office. Someone comes around the corner talking loudly and looking at you.
You assume he is addressing you, reply and stick out your hand. Then you see what looks like a package of Doublemint sticking out of his ear. He was on the phone. Do you:
A. Withdraw your hand and pretend you stuck it out there to look at your watch.
B. Wave at a non-existent person behind him and pretend that’s who you are addressing.
C. Whack him upside the head with the annoying glossy color direct mail insert from some politician you’ve just hauled out of the mailbox.
• You are dining at a nice restaurant. You hear something that sounds like a beep, click, chime, bell, burp or whistle.
Your companion, knowing that she has just received an alert on her smart phone, drops everything to dive into a purse and retrieve it, flinging spaghetti sauce into your eye in the process. Do you:
A. Return fire with a spoonful of mashed potatoes.
B. Wryly ask if it was worth all that to see a Face-book graphic that is not humorous to 99.878 percent of the people on earth.
C. Keep your big mouth shut. (HINT: THIS IS THE CORRECT ANSWER.)
You are in a mall with your own new smart phone. You wander around killing time while your wife and youngest girl shop at Bed Breakfast Beyond Bath Icing Claire’s or some such place.
You keep hearing your favorite old western theme over the mall’s muzak system and, while appreciating it, wonder why they are playing it so many times.
You encounter your women-folk and notice they have unpleasant looks on their faces. (Not that you haven’t seen that before).
They ask why you didn’t answer your phone the five times they have called to tell you they are finished shopping, and you realize that theme was the ring tone you had installed on your new phone. Do you:
A. Tell them how pretty they look.
B. Try to pretend you are interested in what’s inside the 17 really nice-smelling packages they are carrying.
C. Laugh in their faces. (HINT: THIS IS THE WRONG ANSWER).
• You have lost your smart phone for the 40th time that day. Do you:
A. Ask someone to dial your number so it rings.
B. Shout “Hallelujah, I’m free!”
C. Start to look for it and then realize you’ve lost your glasses too.
We really need a new book on etiquette.
Disclaimer: All the situations described above are fictional, the product of a fevered, troubled imagination and bear no resemblance to real life. Sort of.
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