I’ve always enjoyed the Winter Olympics more than the Summer Olympics because they’re so exotic.
I mean, you see people doing stuff that you never see in Central Texas.
Come on. When’s the last time you had to decide here on a Friday night whether you were going to a football game, a rodeo or the luge hill?
You know what a luge is. It’s a little bed frame.
You lay down on it and go 80 miles an hour straight down.
Did you ever wonder how the luge run happened?
I imagine two guys from, oh, Norway, exploring a mountain and coming upon a sheer slope leading from a glacier into an iceberg.
One goes: “Oh look, I think I will lay down, go 80 miles an hour and hope I don’t hit the walrus at the bottom.”
So the other one goes: “Oh course! How fortunate it is we dragged this bed frame to the top of the mountain.”
I guess it’s all in what we can understand.
Speed skating is easy to comprehend. Whoever has the best time wins. It’s like a track meet on a popsicle.
But figure skating? How do they judge it? Everyone is so good, how do you determine Skater A’s triple-double-backflip is .003 point better than Skater B’s?
I can tell when they fall down, though. If I were a judge that’s what I would be looking for.
Judge Smirnoff Vodkavitch: “He missed the inside-outside edge of that double frammikan, coming out of the hors d’ouevre. I’m taking a sixth of a point off. What do you think, Mikhail?”
Judge Me: “Smirny, I was watching him with binoculars and he didn’t fall down one time. That’s a 10.0.”
I also think they are missing out on a great opportunity in the women’s figure skating.
Forget this music and dance interpretation stuff where they skate in their pajamas.
Just have them all go onto the ice together at one end and at the other end turn Tonya Harding loose with a hammer.
The winner doesn’t get a gold medal. She gets a gold knee brace.
Then there’s curling. I saw...ZZZZZZZZZZ. Oh, sorry. I went to sleep.
I never understood why the ice always starts out so dirty in a curling match. The teams keep sweeping it off themselves.
Curling was invented in Canada but became so popular it has spread all the way to Minnesota.
There are winter X-game events at Olympics now but with the amateur status prevailing it’s obvious they aren’t very well funded.
One is called the half-pipe. It’s too bad they can’t afford a full pipe.
I understand they can have a full pipe now in Colorado without being arrested for it.
My favorite Winter Olympic athletes though are the four-person bobsledders. Not all of them, just numbers 2 and 3.
You know No. 1 drives the thing. In terror. No. 4 pushes them off and uses the brake.
But No. 2 and No. 3 just sit there. Their total athletic contribution is two fold.
They lean left.
They lean right.
If their team wins, they get gold medals.
The same as the winner who skied a marathon.
Did I mention curl— ZZZZZZZ.
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