Following in my father’s footsteps this week’s column is church humor provided by former Rockdale Coach June Owen.
You know your church is redneck if…
• The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
• People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
• When they pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” and five guys and two women stand up.
• Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
• A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “it ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
• The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”
• In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
• Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
• High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
• People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
• The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
• The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbeque.
• The collection plates are really hub caps from a ’56 Chevy.
• Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
• The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
• The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink.”
• “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs too.
• The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, ya hear!” —kwc— A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town, and I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the post office!” —kwc— A local Pastor joined a community Service Club, and the members thought they would have a little fun with him. Under his name badge they printed, “Hog Caller” as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.
The Pastor responded by saying, “I usually am called the ‘Shepherd of the sheep’... but I guess you know your people better than I do.”
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