Turn that cap; your head ain't on backwards'
This arrived at my desk titled "Cowboy rules" for Texas, Arizona, Colorado, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho, Nevada, the Dakotas and the rest of the Wild West:
• Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
• Turn your cap right, your head ain't put on backwards.
• Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
• They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-40, I-70 , I-80 and I-90 go east and west, I-17, I-15, I-25 and I-35 go north and south. Pick one and go.
• So you have a $60,000 car. We're not impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
• Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
• If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa' your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
• Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available over at Mack's bait shop.
• The "opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
• We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
• No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham and turkey.
• When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat, it ain't real chili.
• You bring Coke into my house, it better be a dark liquid and served over ice. You bring Mary Jane into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck and have long hair.
• College and high school football are as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
• Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards —it spooks the fish.
• Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to No. 1.
Another recent epistle to this desk:
Friends vs. Texas Friends
• Friends never ask for food. Texas friends always bring the food.
• Friends will say hello. Texas friends will say howdy with a big hug.
• Friends have never seen you cry. Texas friends will cry with you.
• Friends will eat at your dinner table and leave. Texas friends will too, but they'll bring the cards and dominos and stay for some fun.
• Friends will knock on the door. Texas friends will knock, then walk in and say "I'm home!"
• Friends know a few things about you. Texas friends could write a book with direct quotes from you.
• Friends will visit you in the hospital. Texas friends will cut your grass and clean your house, then come see you in the hospital, and later bring you food when you get back home.
• Friends have you on speed dial. Texas friends have your number memorized.
• Friends are for a while. Texas friends are for life.