Commentary

A few words not yet in the dictionary

Neighbor Grover sez 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

My former across-t he - street neighbor Greg Felling, now retired and living the good life in Texarkana, sent along the following. It's a fresh batch of...

More words not yet

In the dictionary

• ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

• ELECELLERATION (el a cel ER ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

• FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

• L AC T OM A NGU L AT ION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.

• NEONPHANCY (NE on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

• PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

• PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is emba r rassed to undress in front of a household pet.

• PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

• PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

• TELECRASTINATION (Tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

—bc—

Don Lansberry, our favorite correspondent out in Utah, sends along "different take" on redneck jokes. Makes me glad I'm one of 'em.

• You might be a redneck if it never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation under God."

• You might be a redneck if you've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

• You might be a redneck if you still say "Merry Christmas" instead of "happy winter festival."

• You might be a redneck if you take off your cap (uncover) and place your hand over your heart when the national anthem is played;.

• You might be a redneck if you treat our veterans and our military personnel with great respect, and you always have.

• You might be a redneck if you've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

• You might be a redneck if you know what you believe and are not afraid to say so, regardless of who is listening.

• You might be a redneck if your respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

• You might be a redneck if you read this column (but you already suspected that, didn't you?).

—bc—

Son Kyle in Houston sends this along for our collection of religious (or Texas) humor:

A man in Topek a, K ansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there.

He began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read: "Calls: $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, he entered a church in Houston and saw the usual golden telephone. But this time the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents."

The pastor, smiling, explained: "Son, you're in Texas now. You're in God's Country. It's a local call."

bill@rockdalereporter.com


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2009-08-27 digital edition



The burn ban for Milam County has been lifted. Burning is always prohibited in the county's municipalities.


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