Commentary

High school pressbox duty in comfort?

Neighbor Grover sez diplomacy is being able to convince a rattlesnake that you mean no harm.

Sports editor Bill Martin (he's just like a son-in-law to me), is a wuss.

Never mind that he's 6-5, 250 and his voice alone is bigger than I am. I'm still going to call him a wuss.

Why?

Because he's working in an air-conditioned pressbox at Tiger Field this fall. The equipment was installed last week.

It's the height of luxury.

Actually, Big Bill's not a wuss at all. The truth is, I'm jealous and so is our editor, Mike Brown. It seems that I was born 50 years too soon and Mike 35 years too soon. We both spent decades sweltering in that pressbox, and occasionally freezing up there.

What could possibly be next, a rest room?

Naw. It's too much fun watching all the scribes, scouts and video personnel making a mad dash down the bleachers at halftime.

You'll enjoy Mike's column on the opposite page about his "favorite" pressbox experiences.

—bc—

This from Reporter reader Nathan Baker, a follow-up to last week's column on new words for the dictionary.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some winners, some terrifically innovative:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

• Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

• Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

• Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spraypainted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

• Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

• Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

• Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

• Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

• Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

• Glibido: A ll talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

• Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

• Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

• Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an (apex posterior).

—bc—

Pardon if I've run some of those before. But, as my late and great friend Bill Burkhart once said, "The only original thought in this country nowadays is undetected plagiarism."

Okay, here's one you can add to your collection of religious humor. It's an oldie but goodie:

A small town buys a new fire truck and wants to hold a dedication for the fine new vehicle. Not wanting to offend anyone, they invite clergy from as many denominations and faiths as possible to participate.

The Methodist parson dips his hand in a bucket of water and sprinkles it across the hood and says a prayer.

The Baptist preacher takes the bucket, splashes all the contents over the hood, and prays.

The Catholic priest puts a small cross and beads on the hood, and prays.

The rabbi walks to the back of the truck and cuts two inches off the tailpipe.

bill@rockdalereporter.com


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2009-09-10 digital edition



The burn ban for Milam County has been lifted. Burning is always prohibited in the county's municipalities.


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