Here’s some you might enjoy

Adapted from an editorial in USA Today: In 2010, I resolve to ...


(Resolutions we’d like to see)

• try to spend less on, well, just about everything.— President Obama

• to understand, and I mean really understand, like the way my darling wife likes to explain the word understand —and have I mentioned that she was a schoolteacher?—and so she knows about words, understand, that on the subject of talking, sometimes—often, perhaps often is a better way to put it—less can really be more. Or so I’m told.—Vice President Joe Biden

• to say at least one nice thing about the Obama administration.— Dick Cheney

• to hold out for a Ben Nelson bridge or airport before my next health care vote.—Sen. Ben Nelson, D-Neb.

• root out corruption. No, seriously. Really. Why are you all laughing?—Afghan President Hamid Karzai

to use my ‘inside’ voice.—Rep. Joe “You Lie!” Wilson, R-S.C.

• to take a hike.—South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford

• to locate stakes for a bigger tent.—Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele

• to leave Santa alone, because this year I got (just about) everything I asked for.—Gen. Stanley McChrystal, U.S. commander in Afghanistan

• to learn to say ‘thank you.’—Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

• to come up with at least one plan that doesn’t require a degree from the London School of Economics to understand.— Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner

to quit.—Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • to duck.—Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi

• to stop the layoffs.—Employers

• to hide a spare house key under the flowerpot.—Professor Henry Louis Gates

• to turn the other cheek.—Police Sgt. James Crowley

• to not rip off cigarettes from my fellow inmates.—Convicted swindler Bernard Madoff

• to keep doing ‘God’s work.’ Wait, did I really say that’s what we do here?—Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein

• to go hunting for Canadian geese and not do anything to sully my reputation because, Lord knows, America needs at least one unsullied hero.—US Airways Capt. Chesley Sullenberger

• to read a book, now that I’ve written one.—Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin

• to make a Top 10 list of things not to do with female staffers.—David Letterman

• to use my time in prison to get myself grounded in reality. Real reality.—’Balloon boy’ father Richard Heene

• to cede the cover of People to someone else.—Jon and Kate Gosselin

• to get my tubes tied.—’Octomom’ Nadya Suleman

• to hide the camcorder from all future boyfriends.—Former Miss California Carrie Prejean

• to wait for an invitation.—White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi

• to treat the (bleeping) referees with a little more (bleeping) respect.—Tennis star Serena Williams

• to remember where to land the plane.—Suspended Northwest Airlines pilots Richard Cole and Timothy Cheney

• to keep on dreaming.—British singing sensation Susan Boyle

• to make a decision and stick to it.—Vikings quarterback Brett Favre

• to come up with a more plausible steroid story than that lame one I tried out in 2009.—Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez

• to take driver’s ed and do all my ‘scoring’ on the golf course.—Tiger Woods

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2010-01-07 digital edition

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