50 times a day on TV: how to cure a sick snake

Neighbor Grover sez some days he’s the pigeon, some days he’s the statue.

The following Story-of-the- Week is dedicated to friend Miller Bassler who has been known to appreciate—and to spin—a Cajun story or two.

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin’ wit his frien Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, “Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, it’s completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an can’t get rid of dem.”

Boudreaux say, “Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors.”

Thibodeaux say, “What’s a bull constriptor?”

Boudreaux explains, “Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once.”

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert’s reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and sat dere and watched.

Well, Thibodeaux was watchin’ for a long time, a real long time, an dere wasn’t nuttin’ happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hisself in da middle of dat barn and slept. He didn’t even move and dem rats jus run all around.

After a week Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he call up Boudreaux on da phone. “Boudreaux,” he say, “man, dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin’ all around and dat snake he jus lays dere sleepin’ all day long.”

Boudreaux says, “Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat sna ke some Viagra.”

Thibodeaux say, “What! Viagra! What’s dat gonna do?”

Boudreaux say, “Ah Thibodeaux, I know you watch dat television and dad guy he tells us 50 times a day dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction.”


Now for your collection of religious humor:

A nun asked her class to write a note to God, and the kids did.

• Dear God: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones You have? Johnny

• Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It worked with my brother. Larry

• Dear God: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. Mickey

• Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love everybody in the world. There are only 4 in my family and I can’t do it. Nan

• Dear God: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? Jane

• Dear God: I read the Bible. What does “begat” mean? Nobody will tell me. Alison

• Dear God: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Joe

• Dear God: Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

• Dear God: Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

• Dear God: Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

• Dear God: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

• Dear God: Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you?” Because if you did, I’m going to fix my brother. Darla.

• Dear God: Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

• Dear God: Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

• Dear God: If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. Denise

• Dear God: I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. Sam

• Dear God: I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

• Dear God: Don’t worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean

• Dear God: I think about you sometimes even when I’m not praying. Elliott

• Dear God: Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

• Dear God: My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. He’s just kidding isn’t he? Marsha

• Dear God: I’d like to live 900 years like that guy in the Bible. Chris

• Dear God: We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said You did. So I bet he stole your idea. Donna.

• Dear God: I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made Tuesday. That was cool. Sara

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2010-03-04 digital edition

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