Hitting the links? Here’s some ‘rules of golf’

Neighbor Grover sez some mistakes are too much fun to only make them once (thus golf).

Springtime has sprung and the grass is greening up, including on the golf courses. Here, as a public service, we offer up some “laws of the game.”

• 1: No matter how bad your last shot, you should have inner peace knowing that a lousier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole. It has a supernatural power to extend throughout a tournament, even a summer.)

• 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

• 3: Bra nd new golf ba lls are water-magnetic. The more expensive the ball, the greater its attraction to water.

• 4: Golf balls never bounce off trees back into play.

• 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, “You looked up.”

• 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he sees himself as an instructor.

• 7: Every par-three hole has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.

• 8: Sand swallows golf balls.

• 9: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a martial arts teacher, a convicted felon and an IRS agent.

• 10: Long irons are demonpossessed.

• 11: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

• 12: Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.

• 13: When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at the moment you should have continued watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

• 15: Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.

• 16: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.

• 17: It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 40-foot putt when you lie 8.

• 18: It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

• 19: The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through a very large tree.

• 20: You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch tree limb 90% of the time.

• 21: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the equilibrium of the Universe.

• 22: If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, just try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

• 23: You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.

• 24: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

• 25: Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.


Golf can be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good cold beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. On top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”

A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. Next day you go out and play awful.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

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