Back by special request–Tarzan and the massage
it i s. Enjoy! –KCM
Last Saturday, I visited
heaven for a couple of
Bill, Kennedy and I travelled
to College Station where I
cashed in my Mother’s Day gift
certificate for a facial and massage
at Galleria Day Spa.
The massage was great but
hey, I get great massages pretty
regularly right here in Rockdale
at Healing Handzz. But the
facial was divine. It was called
the Ultimate European facial
and dahling, was it ever heavenly.
I felt very pampered, for
On the way home, I started
thinking about my history with
massages. I came out of my
relaxation coma and started
My very first massage was at
Lake Austin Resort and Spa.
I had never gotten a massage
before, had never given it much
thought. So when my masseuse
walked in and told me to take
my clothes off and get under the
sheet, I nearly fainted.
On top of that she told me her
name was Moon Beam or Moon
Pie or some “my parents were
So there I was naked, lying
under a sheet, eyes wide open,
extremely nervous. Not exactly
the best karma for a relaxing
massage. I just kept thinkng
“what the heck have I gotten
So Moon Beam walks back
in and she says she’s going to
begin. So I lay there and lay
there and nothing happens. Am
I supposed to do something, I
wondered? Heck, I’m not moving,
I’m naked under here.
So I move my head ever so
slightly to see what Moonie was
doing and she had knelt down
beside the table and was either
praying or meditating before
she began. That was weirdness
right off the bat.
When Moon Beam began the
massage I was as tense and
nervous as I had ever been in
my life. So of course, every time
she touched me, it tickled and I
The more I tried not to laugh,
the more I laughed. (I was horrifi
ed at myself. I didn’t want
her to think I was really enjoying
it. I mean, really enjoying it,
if you know what I mean).
It was a truly terrible experience
all around and I vowed to
never get another massage for
the rest of my life.
Many years later, my friend
Bonnie convinced me to go with
her for her birthday to Salon
505 in Austin to get a facial and
a massage. I reluctantly agreed.
I told her all about my first
experience on the way there.
She insisted that she had had
several massages there and it
wasn’t going to be like that at
But nothing, not even Moon
Beam, could have prepared me
for what happened next.
Bonnie and I were in the
waiting room and a lady walks
up with a white lab-looking coat
on and calls Bonnie’s name.
I thought, Okay this is like a
medical deal, very professional.
I started relaxing.
That’s when I heard the deepest
male voice I had ever heard
in my life. “Kathy?” I looked up
to find a giant man, way over 6
feet, with long, dark wavy hair,
past his shoulders. He says “I
am Tarzan. I am your masseuse.”
“Oh of course you are!” I
froze. When I finally gained my
composure I followed him all
through the salon like a puppy.
My legs felt like jelly. At the top
of the stairs we stopped and I
see Bonnie in a white robe coming
out of a room. When she
saw Tarzan she looked startled.
Then when I popped out from
behind Tarzan, she really looked
I mouthed silently to Bonnie
“Oh my gosh! He’s gonna
massage me!” She was facing
Tarzan and she tried not to
laugh but it didn’t work. So
Bonnie goes with her professional
“nurse” masseuse and
Tarzan says to me “Go in, take
off your clothes, take a shower,
put on the robe and come back
out here. You’re in good hands.”
Then he smiled.
So I close the bathroom door and start to panic and mumble over and over “Oh my Gosh! Oh my Gosh! Oh my Gosh!” I get my clothes off and walk into the shower.
I glimpse something moving out of the corner of my eye. I turned and saw a big naked woman with a shower cap on her head. I screamed so loudly that Bonnie could hear me in her massage room. I mean, who puts a mirror in a shower, for Pete’s sake?
And how was I going to explain why I screamed? Sure enough, when I came out of the bathroom, five people were waiting for me to see if I was alright.
By this time I am, again, a nervous wreck. I am racking my brain to try and figure a way out of this. Tarzan’s massage was actually very nice. I willed myself to remain calm the whole time so I wouldn’t laugh.
The only time I got really horrified was when I was laying face down with my head in that little doughnut pillow, my nose started running. I mean, my nose started pouring. There was no way for me to wipe it, my arms were elsewhere.
So when he asks me to turn over, I sat up with snot running down to my chin. Yeah, nice.
Thankfully, I gave massage another try years later. I’ll stick with Healing Handzz any day. And thankfully, my masseuse is just named plain old Deta.