SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
Dolly Rolan, over in Austin helping keep her city weird, says it’s really hot this month.
“How hot is it?” we reply, playing the perfect straight man. So she says, “It’s so hot...”
• The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• The best parking spot is determined by shade rather than distance.
• Hot water comes out of both taps.
• You can make sun tea instantly.
• You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
• The temp drops below 80 (ha!) and you feel chilly.
• You discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
• You step outside at 7:30 a.m. and break a sweat.
• You learn that asphalt has a liquid state.
• The potatoes in your garden cook underground, so all you have to do is pull ‘em out, add butter, salt and pepper.
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
• Cows are giving evaporated milk.
And, along the same vein, I’ve received this from several sources since the country’s economy went south.
“The economy is so bad...”
• Brad and Angelina have fired their nannies and are trying to learn their children’s names.
• We’re receiving pre-declined credit cards in the mail.
• The bank returns your check marked “insufficient funds” and you call and ask if they meant you or them.
• You order a burger and the kid asks, “Can you afford fries with this?”
• Motel six doesn’t leave the light on anymore.
• A truck load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
• McDonald’s brought out a “quarter-ouncer.”
• CEO’s are now having to play miniature golf. —bc—
Finally, enjoy these signs:
• Beauty is only a light switch away.— Perkins Library at Duke University.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.— Armand’s Pizza, Washington DC.
• No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her. —Men’s room, Linda’s Bar & Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.
• At the feast of ego, everybody leaves hungry.— Bentley’s House of Coffee & Tea, Tucson, AZ.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.— Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ.
• Make love, not war. Heck, do both. Get married.— Women’s rest room, Bozeman, MT.
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.— Revolution Books, New York, NY.
• If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!— Men’s rest room, U.S. House of Representatives, Washington, DC.
• Express lane: Five beers or less.— Sign over one of the urinals, Ed’s Bar & Grill, Phoenix, AZ.
• You’re too good for him.— Sign over mirror in women’s rest room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.
• No wonder you always go home alone.— Sign over mirror in men’s rest room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA.
And last but not least:
• If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.— Women’s rest room, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX.