Commentary

SPOILIN’ THE BROTH

Political Science for Dummies: you have 2 cows
Bill Cooke

Neighbor Grover sez he can’t figure out why “phonics”—of all words— is not spelled like it sounds.

Having just visited Washington, D.C. and learned, or re-learned, a lot about our government, I found the following very enlightening.

It came from Jack Kyle of Huntsville. Enjoy:

Political Science for

Dummies, 2010 Edition

Democrat: You have t wo cows. You neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

Socialist: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Communist: The government seizes both cows and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Capit

style: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cattle.

Bureaucracy, American Style: You have two cows. Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Japanese Cor porat ion: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 miles per hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban Corporation: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $50 million grant from the United States government to find alternatives to milk production, but you use the money to buy weapons to kill Americans.

Iraqi Corporation: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

Polish Corporation: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

Belgian Corporation: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish. The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

Florida Corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

California Corporation: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

bill@rockdalereporter.com


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2010-09-09 digital edition



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