SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
M ar y Jane Boyd of our town confesses to being a reader of this column. She sends along a few fresh yarns for your collection of religious humor. Enjoy.
• A well-worn 1$ bill and a similarly distressed $20 bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The $20 bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a good life,” the $20 proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the $1 bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“ So tell me,” says the $ 20, “where have you been?”
The $1 bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church, the...”
The $20 bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
• One Sunday mor ning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“Two good reasons,” he said. “First, they don’t like me, and second, I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you’d better go to church. First, you’re 59 years old, and second, you’re the pastor!”
• A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual Fourth of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonder ful food should be forbidden! You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a wry grin and said, “At your wedding.”
• An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“ The front row please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked with a grin.
“No, I do not,” she said.
“Thank you, Jesus,” he answered.
• A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin, I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”
• A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
• A couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled pastor, “are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat over for dinner.”