Commentary

SPOILIN’ THE BROTH

‘Were you present when your picture was taken?’

Neighbor Grover sez he’s amazed that banks leave their vault doors open and chain their pens to the counters.

S usie Piper, retired educator, prolific author and historian, and one of The Reporter’s best friends, sends this quiz.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

This is heavy stuff (no pun intended). Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you continue reading.

Okay, you’ve thought it out.

Correct answer is: “Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.”

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated manner. Next question:

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, “Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?”

Wrong. The correct answer: “Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.”

This tests your abil- ity to think through the repercussions of previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Answer: The elephant. He’s in the refrigerator where you just put him.

4. You must cross a river but it is used by crocodiles and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Answer: Swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.

Susie’s message continues:

“According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, 90 percent of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.”

This may be a factor in our current economy.

—bc—

The late Emory C. Camp used to bring me copies of the Texas Bar Journal magazine when they contained funny collections of things actually said in court or in depositions. Readers of this column always enjoyed them.

These are repor tedly from a book called Disorder in the American Courts. Some I’ve seen before but some are fresh:

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

Witness: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Attorney: And why did that upset you?

Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Witness: He’s 20, about the same as your IQ .—

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Witness: Are you serious?

Attorney: So the date of conception was Aug. 8?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?

Witness: Getting laid.

Attorney: She had three children, right?

Witness: Yes.

Attorney: How many were boys?

Witness: None.

At tor ney: Were t here any girls?

Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Witness: Take a guess.

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a heavy beard.

Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Witness: Unless the circus was in town I’m going with male.

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

Attorney: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you attend?

Witness: Oral .—

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


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2011-02-24 digital edition



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