SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
H eard a complaint the other day about this column not having enough religious humor of late. So just in time, along comes an Irish laddie named Paddy.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey.”
Miraculously, a parking space appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never Mind, I found one.”
I have a friend who confesses to having had a slight reading comprehension problem when she was a child. She says she thought for years that “pedestrian crossing” signs meant that only Presbyterians could cross.
Withthatinmind,here’s another yarn about our favorite Irishman.
Paddy was in the big city of New York, patiently waiting to cross the street at an intersection, and watching the traffic cop giving directions.
The cop stopped the f low of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians!” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times and Paddy stood right where he was on the sidewalk.
A f ter the cop had shouted “Okay, pedestrians!” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then spots a wine bottle on the floor of the car.
“Sir,” the trooper asks, “have you been drinking?”
“ Just water,” the priest answers.
“ Then, sir, why do I smell w ine? ” A nd he points to the wine bottle.
“Oh My Goodness,” the priest exclaims, “He’s done it again!”
Following are more of those students’ answers to test questions that make teachers pull their hair:
Q. Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. Briefly explain what hard water is.
Q. What is a nitrate?
A. Cheaper than a day rate.
Q. What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
A. He invented cigarettes.
Q. Name a great achievement of the early Romans.
A. Learning to speak Latin.
Q. Name six animals that live in the Arctic.
A. Two polar bears and four seals.
A. Placing big dames in the river.
Q. Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
A. Mrs. Orpheus.
Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A. At the bottom.
Q. Define the word varicose.
A. Close by.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A little lie.
Q. Explain free press.
A . When Mom irons you r clothes.
Q. What is a stand-alone computer system?
A. Doesn’t come with a chair.
Q. Where was Hadrian’s Wall built?
A. Around Hadrian’s garden.
Q. People known as Malays come from which country?