People already hate you? ‘Go Dallas!’
Mike Brown

With the advent of the Internet, the iPod, the iPad, the iFacebook, the iTweet, and the ever present online iDiot, hometown pro sports affiliations aren’t what they used to be.

Actually you can date this phenomenon back to the early 1970s when the first “superstation,” WTBS in Atlanta, began broadcasting Braves baseball games to anyone with a cable connection.

“We’d go to Shea Stadium and there would be more Braves fans in the stands than Mets fans,” Atlanta outfielder Dale Murphy observed.

A little later, a certain city not too far from here opened a gorgeous new stadium with a hole in the roof—“so God could watch his favorite team play”—and christened itself “America’s Team.”

Loyalty to many home town teams began to crack.

Now in our Internet age, fans began to wonder who they were supposed to root for. Team preferences began to be more a matter of shared tastes than geography.

To help with the decision, some- one with a lot of time on their hands—which tends to describe a lot of people who send me stuff— has come up with an “NFL Flow Chart.”

It’s the real deal. If you follow the little boxes and arrows, and answer the statements, it will tell you what team you’re suited for, based on a lot more than where you live.

Before we begin let me, as Richard Nixon used to say, “make this perfectly clear” I did not think this up, nor do I endorse it. (You’ll see why that disclaimer is necessary pretty quickly.)

You can find the original at http://www.interpretationb wp-content/ uploads/2011/08/IBD-footballflowchart. jpg.

Okay, let’s begin. Here are the statements and questions and which team is for you, depending upon your reactions. • People already hate me anyway. “Yes”—Dallas Cowboys.

“ No”— One of the other 31 teams.

I occasionally have to be reminded there’s a football team in my city.

“No, but I wish other people would go to the game so I could watch it on TV”— San Diego Chargers.

“There’s a football team in my city?”—Arizona Cardinals.

• Win or lose, I am willing to cheer for a despicable human being.

“Yes”—Philadelphia Eagles.

“ Win only”— Pittsburgh Steelers.

I’d rather be watching baseball.

“Yes”—New England Patriots.

“Honestly, I’d be happier if I didn’t follow sports at all”—Houston Texans.

I long for the good old days when our losses really meant something.

“Yes”—Buffalo Bills. “Our losses were never that important.”—Detroit Lions. • I want to root for some really expensive busts every year.

“ Yes”—Washing ton Redskins.

I prefer my sports teams to be even more dysfunctional than my family life.

“Yes”—Kansas City Chiefs.

“Yes, and I’m a member of the Ozzy Osbourne family”—Cincinnati Bengals.

I would be proud if the face of my franchise were a bunch of old, fat jerks who get together to toast the failure of others every year.

“Yes”—Miami Dolphins.

“No, and if I could unwedge my fat rear from this seat I’d kick your tail”—Chicago Bears.

“No, and I’m going to get my Glock pistol out of my sweat pants and—uh-oh!”—New York Giants.

(At pre-game tailgate party) Sausage or salad?

“ Salad”—San Francisco 49ers.

(Also at the tailgate party) What’s the main course?

“Barbecue the way it’s meant to be, dry”—Tennessee Titans.

“Barbecue the way it’s meant to be, wet”—St. Louis Rams.

(Laughing, I guess somebody actually thinks they have barbecue in Tennessee and Missouri.)

My facial hair most resembles that of:

“Fu Manchu”—Atlanta Falcons.

“Napoleon”—New Orleans Saints.

“A ngelina Jolie”— Se at t le Seahawks.

And my personal favorite:

I feel like a team should wait a few decades to see if it’s leaving town before coming up with a logo.

“Yes”—Cleveland Browns.

For some reason the Browns, in both incarnations, have always had a totally blank helmet.

Maybe they’re waiting on advertising offers from Geico and Taco Bell.

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2011-09-01 digital edition

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