Society

Imagined trip to eye doctor was way better

BASIC MAYHEM
Kathy Cooke

There is an interesting new phenomenon in my life these days. I still haven’t quite wrapped my brain around it.

Mostly because I am still trying to deny that it even exists.

I have recently had to start wearing glasses. Real ones, not just cute readers.

(According to a friend, the fact that I thought my readers were cute was a sign of my age.)

Bill has been telling me for the past year, I mean a few weeks, that I need to go and have my eyes checked. I didn’t think that was necessary. I had enough pairs of readers to match most any of my outfits, in a variety of colors.

I had readers in my purse, beside the bed, by my computer, in the car, in the bathroom, everywhere I possibly might want to read anything. (Of course, I just accidently left a pair in the bathroom.)

So when I went to the Eye Doctor I fully expected him to say “Well your eyes are practically perfect. You don’t need real glasses, you just keep using your readers. You are not nearly old enough to need real glasses.”

And since this was my very own imagination the doctor was young and gorgeous and he kept smiling at me while he examined my eyes and saying he couldn’t believe I thought I might need glasses. He might have even been wearing a tank top, I can’t remember exactly.

Well guess what? My experience was nothing like my dream.

The regular doctor was on vacation, not that I had ever met her. The Stand In Doctor looked nothing like I had imagined, not that I could see him very clearly anyway.

He kept quizzing me as to what I could see and not see and he, obviously, was making the test way harder than it needed to be.

Finally I put my readers back on so I could see him. I was a bit startled to see that not only was he, well, not young, but he was not smiling or even flexing his muscles. His salt and pepper eye brows were so bushy I could have french braided them.

He looked at my age on my chart and instead of telling me he couldn’t believe that was correct, he chuckled and said “Well I’m right behind you. I’ll be your age next month.”

Oooooh, that man will never fully realize how close to death he was that day.

But the absolute worst thing about the whole experience? He told me I needed real glasses. Hmphf!

And you know what else? They don’t have really cute ones, like the readers. They kept showing me pairs with black frames, brown frames, wire frames. No vivid colors, not even one stinkin’ rhinestone!

But you want to know what the absolute worst part is, besides writing the check for them?

Now when I take them off, I can’t see.

Which leads to an even more important question, how the heck am I supposed to put on eye make-up when I can’t see my eyes?

Since it’s been so hot all summer, I haven’t worn much make-up so it hasn’t been a problem. But I have decided to act as if fall is really here, bringing cool weather and fall colored clothing.

This morning, I took my glasses off and looked into my make-up mirror. At first I thought “wow, this mrror is really dirty,” so I cleaned it. But I still couldn’t see my face.

So I basically just put my make-up on with my eyes closed. I just felt around where I knew the make-up was supposed to go and hoped that I hit the mark. Then I put my glasses back on and tried to repair any damage I had done.

Besides being eligible for Senior discounts at restaurants and stores, besides AARP sending me mail every day, now I am going to have to get one of those make-up mirrors with the 1000x magnification.

Hmphf!


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2011-09-15 digital edition



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