‘Saint: a dead sinner, revised and edited’

Neighbor Grover sez a dish of ham and eggs represents a day’s work for a chicken and a lifetime commitment for a pig. W hen a week rolls around and no column idea surfaces, I turn to my Joe Hedrick file.

The late Mr. Hedrick was (is) a legend in Franklin, Texas, and beyond, best known for his successful, 36-year tenure as the Franklin Lions football coach and superintendent. Yes, he held both posts at once.

He was also a student and teacher of history, a prolific reader, and a scholar. And he collected and shared with friends all sorts of quotations, stories and anecdotes.

I am fortunate that I was one of those friends. Thus the Joe Hedrick file that I referred to in the opening paragraph.

Here are some quotes Joe recorded and shared:

• “A politician is one who is able to elicit campaign contributions from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretext of protecting each from the other.”— Ambrose Bierce

• “A saint is a dead sinner, revised and edited.”—Ambrose Bierce.

•“ Therearefourtypesof homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.”— Ambrose Bierce

• “He neither drank, smoked nor rode a bicycle. He lived frugally, saving his money and died young, surrounded by greedy relatives. It was a great lesson to me.”—John Barrymore

• “A tree falls in the deep forest. If there is no one there to hear, does it make a sound? Similarly, a man speaks in the deep forest. If there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?”—Anon

• “Our beer passes through hundreds of quality Czechs daily.”— Shiner beer commercial

• “Pressure is what you feel when you don’t know what the heck you are doing.”—Chuck Noll, while coach of the NFL Steelers

• “Berkeley, California: Too small to be a state, too large to be an insane asylum.”—Anon

• “Presby terians believe in predestination—that everything that is going to happen is planned by God and man cannot alter the plan. Methodists, on the contrary, adhere to the Armenian Doctrine. By this doctrine, Methodists believe that when anything happens,

God is just as surprised as anybody else.”—Joseph Clower

(I am comfortable printing that because I am a Methodist and I have friends and neighbors who are Presbyterians. I have encountered excellent senses of humor in both congregations.)

• “Stanley Baldwin occasionally stumbled over the truth but always hastily picked himself up and hurried away as if nothing had happened.”—Winston Churchill

• “Don’t take life too serious—it ain’t nohow permanent.”—Walt Kelley’s Pogo

• “Believing we can improve schooling with tests is like believing we can fatten cattle by weighing them.”—Anon

• “He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.”— Mark Twain

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