Commentary

SPOILIN’ THE BROTH

Wrapping up football season with a little humor
Bill Cooke

Neighbor Grover sez he practices safe eating by always using condiments.

O kay, the collegiate football season ended with Alabama winning the NCAA championship handily over Notre Dame and Johnny Manziel and the Aggies having provided us a lot of thrills—including beating Alabama.

All that’s left of footall season is the Super Bowl and then the sports focus will revert to balls that bounce predictably.

With that in mind, here’s some college football humor sent along by Reporter reader Betty Lange. Some you may have heard before, some not. Enjoy:

• A former Ohio State coach: “He (a player) doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

• Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

• What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

• How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course.

• How did the Georgia football player get injured while drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

• Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

• A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed in a horseback-riding accident. He fell and was nearly trampled before the Walmart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

• What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”

• If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? A police officer.

• How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup.

• What do you get when you put 12 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

• University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

• How is the Indiana football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

• Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car? He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

• How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

• Why did Ole Miss put artificial turf down? To keep the homecoming queen from eating the grass.

—bc—

Jewell Smitherman Williams (Mrs. Willie Williams) was one of my favorite teachers during my high school years ages ago. She told this story about a football player who was failing English.

The teacher told him: “Okay, Johnny, spell the word ‘coffee’ and I’ll give you a passing grade if you just get one letter right”

Johnny was apparently into phonics. He thought for a few moments, took a deep breath and said: “k-a-u-p-h-y.”


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2013-01-24 digital edition



The burn ban for Milam County has been lifted. Burning is always prohibited in the county's municipalities.


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