Commentary

EDITOR’S CORNER

Sports just isn’t fair when somebody loses!

Did you see where, beginning next fall, Texas will send four teams to the Class 3A football playoffs?

This has been a trend and I whole-heartedly approve. It addresses one of the main things wrong with sports.

There’s just no fairness when one team wins and the other loses! It ought to be fixed so everybody wins and this is a step in the right direfction.

In fact, this should have been going on for a long time. Just look at the way some of the great moments in sports could have turned out if this kind of fairness spirit had prevailed in the past:

• 1993 NBA Finals— Michael Jordan leads the Chicago Bulls to their third straight championship.

PHOENIX—The Phoenix Suns defeated the two-time defending champion Chicago Bulls 103-71 tonight, denying the champs a “three-peat.

Chicago was hampered after the League’s Division of Fairness forced them to replace Michael Jordan with Bruce Jalotnik, a 5-4 pharmacist’s assistant from Skokie, Illinois.

Jalotnik left the game in the third period when he was ejected for standing on tiptoes and punching Suns’ superstar Charles Barkley in the knee.

• Super Bowl III, 1969—Joe Namath leads AFL’s New York Jets to a stunning upset over NFL’s Baltimore Colts. MIAMI—Don Shula’s Colts rolled over the Joe Namath-less Jets 41- 7 today to prove once again that the AFL can never play at the level of NFL teams.

Namath had been kept under house arrest at the St. Contemplate Monastery for the past two weeks by the NFL Level the Playing Field Committee, preventing him from either practicing or seeking feminine companionship.

Namath could have played in the game but, when he was introduced, he made a left turn at the goalpost and headed for the Dolphin cheerleaders, with whom he was seen at several local beaches over the next few hours.

• 1932 World Series—Babe Ruth calls his home run.

NEW YORK—The St. Louis Browns won the World Series over the New York Giants today in a 23-22 game marred by 47 errors committed by the two teams.

Following a decision by Major League Baseball’s Let’s Get More Teams Involved in the Post Season task force, it was decided the World Series would be played between each league’s sixth-place teams, not the first-place finishers, the New York Yankees and Chicago Cubs.

After the win, the world championship trophy was presented to the Browns’ team captain, shortstop Emil “ Ten Thumbs” Bootinski.

He dropped it.

• 1980 Olympic hockey finals—US team of college kids upsets mighty Russia.

LAKE PLACID, NY—The Dominican Republic claimed Olympic Gold in hockey tonight, edging Equatorial Guinea 1-0 in an exciting finals.

The hockey tourney was conducted by the Diversity Unification Handicapping (DUH) committee, which tossed out all countries with territory more than 30 degrees from the equator in the interests of “giving the warm climates a chance.” The game was hampered by t he 85- degree temperat ures DUH ordered in the ice rink. The Dominican team scored the only goal in the second period when the puck accidentally floated into the net, followed by three catfish and a turtle.

• 1986 World Series—Bill Buckner’s error gives New York Mets a win.

NEW YORK—The Boston Red Sox became world champions for the first time since 1918 tonight, defeating the New York Mets 7-5 in 12 innings.

The Mets almost won the game in the 10th when a ground ball went under Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner’s glove, but play was immediately stopped by Dr. Cringe Snively, chair of MLB’s Niceness Commission.

“That’s not fair,” he ruled. “Taking advantage of a handicapped person. Can’t you see the man has sore knees! Mr. Knight you go back to second and Mr. Wilson you’re, uh, what is that pesky term? Oh yes, out!”

The shamed crowd of Mets fans immediately sat down, dabbing at the corners of their eyes with handkerchiefs.

• Super Bowl XXVII, 1995— Dallas Cowboys win back-toback Super Bowls.

ATLANTA—The Dallas Cowboys won their second consecutive Super Bowl tonight in the Georgia Dome, crushing the Buffalo Bills 52-17.

The game was notable for two closely related reasons.

One, it had the lowest television rating in history—zero. Apparently, every single person watching the game had turned it off by midway through the first quarter.

Two, 30 minutes before the kickoff, the NFL’s Keep Your Eyes on the Game arbitrator ordered the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders to perform in full-length canvas overcoats, turtlenecks, combat boots and welder’s helmets.


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