Don’t put a retired teacher on the stand
D on’t we all just love courtroom drama and lawyer stories? Here’s a legend in law circles, from a trial in a small town in the South.
The prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand, a retired public school teacher and a grandmother. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
And she responded: “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were in second grade and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife and manipulate people. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
Stunned, the lawyer, not knowing what else to do, pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
And she said, “Why yes, I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He’s lazy, bigoted, has a drinking problem, can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state, not to mention he’s a womanizer. Yes, I know him well.”
The defense attorney was visibly as shaken as the prosecutor. Then the judge brought the courtroom to silence and summoned both lawyers to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he told them: “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll have you jailed for contempt.”
And for your collection of religious humor: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
• Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
• Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
• Presbyterians: None. The light will go on and off at predestined times.
• Catholics: None. Candles only, please.
• Baptists: At least 15. One to change the bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
• Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old light was.
• Methodists: Undetermined number. Whether your light is bright, dull or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or even a tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
• Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
• Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.
• Amish: What’s a light bulb?