SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
Neighbor Grover sez he and his wife had words the other day but he didn’t get to use his. I n keeping with our weekly effort to inform and inspire, here are three “basic impossibilities” that we all have learned by experience:
1. You can’t count your hair.
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.
Okay, dear reader, put your tongue back in your mouth. You look silly.
Continuing on with this pure brilliance, here are:
Ten things I know about you
1. You are reading this.
2. You are human.
3. You can’t say the letter ‘’P’’ without separating your lips.
4. You just attempted to do it.
6. You are laughing at yourself.
7. You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9. You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person and everyone does it too.
10. You are probably going to pull this on someone else. Go for it.
Now that we have played a couple of mind games, let’s move onto some physical exercise, which we all know we should do more of and don’t because we have unlimited excuses.
Now here is an exercise you can do at home with virtually no cost involved. I highly recommend it for all you good folks who are, like me, over 50. In fact, I’m 27 years over 50 but who’s counting?
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
2. With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
3. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
4. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
5. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10- pound potato sacks.
6. Then try 50-pound potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)
7. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Following is dedicated to all you fellow Duck Dynasty fans. Even my beautiful wife Pegaroo, ever the sophisticate in our abode, is now hooked on all the Duck Commander clan.
A redneck mother’s letter (yes, it’s an oldie but goodie):
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen close to home, so we moved. I can’t send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send: your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back and drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
Your Favorite Aunt, Mom