The perfect pastor is 30 with 40 years experience
Bill Cooke

Neighbor Grover sez he was brought up to respect his elders, but they’re getting harder to find. A t the 3 p.m. gathering of the gently used and somewhat senior coffee drinkers at our town’s Texas Burger/Subway emporium, great and wise philosophy sometimes rears its head.

Sometimes. And sometimes we remember it.

Only-slightly-retired parson Calvin Springer has a storehouse of wit that has sprung from pulpits hither and yon (a lot from his own pulpit over the years, I suspect).

I asked him if had a copy of a criteria someone once wrote for “the perfect preacher.” I had enjoyed it years ago but did not keep a copy. He said it rang a bell but he did not have a copy.

So I did what any geezer would do, Googled it. I had forgotten that the piece was in the form of a chain letter. Yes, we all know chain letters are illegal, immoral and fattening. Nevertheless, I’m going to repeat it for us unwashed masses who are so judgmental about our preachers.

And, I dedicate it to all the local good folks of the cloth who work hard yet are as critically second guessed as football coaches.

Google said this first appeared in the Rochester Courier Journal in 1981. I am not sure who is the author. I took a few liberties with it. You can inject “he/she” or “his/ her” as needed. Enjoy:

The Perfect Pastor

The perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.

He condemns sin roundly but never hurts anyone’s feelings.

He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also the church janitor.

The perfect pastor makes $100 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books and donates $80 a week to the church.

He is 30 years old and has 40 years experience.

Above all, he is handsome.

The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.

He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.

He makes 15 home and hospital visits a day and is always in his office to answer the telephone and greet visitors.

The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of its committees.

He never misses a meeting of any church organization and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched throughout the community.

The perfect pastor is always in the next church over.

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.

If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.

Chances are, one of them will be perfect, for at least two months.

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2013-07-04 digital edition

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