SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
Neighbor Grover sez his dog gave birth to puppies near the highway and was cited for littering. W ith Duck Dynasty now at the top of TV viewer ratings, it’s time to remind everyone that good manners are very important in the Redneck culture. Therefore, this from the Redneck Book of Etiquette:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When drinking directly from a bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using your own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the restroom wall down at the Gulf station.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s your responsibility to get her to school.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as: “ You sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how much you enjoyed your long relationship with the bride.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a fourway stop, the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/ girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
If you’re skeptical, Si Robertson told me he’d vouch for all this. firstname.lastname@example.org