SPOILIN’ THE BROTH
Neighbor Grover sez there’s lots more begging being done in the mail than in tin cups. B illie Oney of our town sends along the following list of proposed business mergers, in case any of you readers have any money to invest.
• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
• Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers will join forces as Poly Warner Cracker.
• 3M will merge with Goodyear and become MMMGood.
• Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become: Zip-Audi-Do-Da.
• FedEx and UPS will merge and become FedUP.
• Fairchild Electronics and Honey well Computers wi l l become Fairwell Honeychild.
• Grey Poupon and Docker Pants will become PouponPants.
• Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become Knott NOW.
From Rockdale native Mary Beth Rolan, still helping Keep Austin Weird, comes this:
English teachers submit analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. The best are published for the amusement of teachers everywhere. Recent winners:
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated came as a shock, like the roaming charges that appear on your cell phone bill when you make a call from Mexico.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the at tic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another time zone and Jeopardy comes on at 5 p.m. instead of 7.
• The star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had rusted shut.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan might work.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or nail or something.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard chimes ringing, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. firstname.lastname@example.org