Commentary

SPOILIN’ THE BROTH

Buying him tools for Christmas? Here’s a guide
Bill Cooke

Neighbor Grover sez Merry Christmas to the best folks in the world—Reporter readers and advertisers. I t’s been a few years since I ran this “Tools Explained” article submitted by Reporter reader Nathan Baker. But it’s a handy guide, ladies, if you need to buy your handy man a gift he will cherish.

Drill Press—A tall upright machine useful for snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project you carefully put in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel—Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the work bench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard- earned calluses from fingers.

Skil Saw­— A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Pliers—Used to round off bolt heads and create blood-blisters.

Belt Sander—An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw—A cutting tool built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion; the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal the results.

Vise-Grips— Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetylene Torch—Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop.

Table Saw—A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles to test wall integrity.

Hydraulic Floor Jack—Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

Band Saw—A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Two-Ton Engine Hoist—A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver—Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening oldstyle paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver—A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

Pry Bar—A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

Hose Cutter—A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer—A kind of divining rod used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the nail you are trying to hit.

Utility Knife—Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, CDs, DVDs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

#*&#* Tool—Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “#*&#*” at the top of your lungs. It’s also, most often, the next tool you will need. bill@rockdalereporter.com


Click here for digital edition
2013-12-19 digital edition



The burn ban for Milam County has been lifted. Burning is always prohibited in the county's municipalities.


Click here to register for the 5 Kay!