Why did Japanese kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
J anuary is upon us, which means it’s time to start thinking about organizing that shoe box full of receipts for tax purposes.
Which bring to mind this story:
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
He asks, “ One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the quarterly estimate check to the IRS?”
“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her a big kiss.
Esther asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe answers, “They’ll find us.”
Ran across some great quotes in my “column fodder” file. Don’t think I’ve shared lately:
• “Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”—Red Buttons
• “In traffic, ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”—George Carlin
• “I’m trying to figure out why Japanese kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”—Dave Edison
• “Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.”—Johnny Carson
• “Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”—John Mendoza
• “TV commercials show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”—Jerry Seinfeld
• “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, ‘Oh my gosh, I could be eating a slow learner’.”—Lynda Montgomery
Top things to say if you’re caught sleeping at your desk:
• “They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.”
• “Just taking a 10-minute power nap like they raved about at the last time management class you sent me to.”
• “I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
• “ I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without using my hands.”