‘Housework won’t kill you, but why take a chance?’

Bill Cooke Bill Cooke Neighbor Grover sez he doesn’t think we should shoot all the stupid people, but we could just remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out. S hirley “Max” Luetge sent me some of the more memorable quotes by Phyllis Diller.

Remember Phyllis? Stand-up comedienne and actress best remembered for her outrageous humor and wild hair.

Her humor often referred to her husband who she dubbed “Fang.” For instance:

“Well, Fang cut himself shaving this morning and he lost so much blood his eyes cleared up.”

Phyllis, who ruled the variety shows and late-night talk shows for decades, died in 2012 at age 94. Humor, you see, is a good tonic for longevity.

Here are some of her quotes. Many, but not all, are advice for women:

• “ Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

Phyllis Diller Phyllis Diller • “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

• “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

• “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

• “ The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

• “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

• “A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

• “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

• “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps many parents going.”

• “Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

• “We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 telling them to sit down and shut up.”

• “Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

• “You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.”

• “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

• “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”

• “Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

• “There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

• “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”

• “ Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle...keep away from children.”

• “The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.”

• “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

Along with Lenny Bruce, Bob Newhart, and Mort Sahl, Phyllis was part of the so-called “New Wave” comedians who began thei r careers after World War II and had no connections to vaudeville, as had the era led by Bob Hope and Jack Benny.

Diller was a housewife, mother and advertising copywriter. During WWII, she lived in Ypsilanti, Michigan while her husband worked at the Willow Run Bomber Plant. In the mid- 1950s, she made appearances on The Jack Paar Show (forerunner to the Tonight Show) and was a contestant on Groucho Marx’s quiz show You Bet Your Life.

Although she made her career in comedy, she had studied piano many years and still played in her private life. She owned a custom-made harpsichord.

Funny, talented lady.

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