Commentary

SPOILIN’ THE BROTH

If the porch falls, how many hound dogs die?
Bill Cooke

Neighbor Grover sez wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from foolishness.

I ran a similar version of this “Redneck Engineer Exam” some time back, but with Jeff Foxworthy keeping a somewhat lower profile these days I thought it might fill a void in your (our) lives, particularly if you are tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South.

You are welcome to confront any of your Yankee friends with this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) ‘65 Ford Fairlane. (B) ‘69 Chevrolet Chevelle; (C) ‘64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the post trees in the plot to be harvested is 170 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 19 inches. How many 12-packs of Bud Light will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation.

The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.

When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children.

Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail.

Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a Grammy-winning country-western singer? bill@rockdalereporter.com


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2014-04-10 digital edition



The burn ban for Milam County has been lifted. Burning is always prohibited in the county's municipalities.


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